Confirmation of a good discernment comes in the form of peace and inner tranquility after a decision has been made. There is an inner knowing, a living into a fundamental truth. When we act from our conscience in a way that brings us closer to wholeness, then we are closer to free.
I have experienced this sense of calm all day, having made the decision to reduce my hours at work and take care of my soul. My soul has felt a sense of freedom, as if prison bars have been lifted just knowing I have a choice. I suddenly recognize with clarity the places where I had created obstacles and lost all sense of personal power. And now I see the ways in which I can break free from this experience of oppression.
How good it would be to say that this decision was made through hours of prayer, and that the voice of God spoke clearly and pointed out this new direction in a calm, clear voice.
And yet- that's not exactly what it looked like... No, this decision has come after months of fighting the angel, hours of wrestling the shadow, and days of intense crying and breaking down. And while there have been moments of peace and clarity, this process has often more resembled an agony in the garden than a mountaintop enlightenment. And yet I have realized that I have been blocking myself with will, not allowing the grace to enter. It's brought me to a point of crisis and desperation- reaching out for help and finally recognizing that I had to face this truth of my own limits- and even more than that- my own call. Perhaps I was running away like Jonah into the belly of the beast. Perhaps I was a fugitive in the woods looking for some place to hide-- anything but tell the truth of who I am and risk letting others (and myself) down with the acknowledgment that I cannot do it all.
I remember back in May how my teacher told me she saw me doing this-- that whenever she presented an option, I found some way to block it. And I remember how just this past week a conversation about honesty on rocks overlooking the Hudson brought me face to face with my own reflection and conscience. I had not even realized how much dishonesty had been harming my soul-- until I decided to speak my truth, and knew that I could not go back. And then- pushing through at last- I experienced exhilarating freedom: to be vulnerable, to be myself, to be who I was even in my brokenness.
And so this process of 'discernment' came in the form of a mighty roar. It came in the form of rage and explosion-- of woman and nature slammed against a wall, and of the wall that finally started to crumble.
This was breakdown. Yet it was also breakthrough.
Might there be an easier way to see my own truth before reaching this point of crisis? (My husband tonight joked that I was overdue for a breakdown! He's probably right... it's been a few years.) I certainly wouldn't advise such a tumultuous path...and yet I also need to remember that I am ok, that I do not need to flee if it arises, but to remain present to the crumbling...I will be ok and get through it, and it will open me, not destroy me.
As I write tonight, I recall the experience of that real intense labor I experienced seven years ago-- when I gave birth to my daughter. As I listened to the prepared labor cd- New Age gentle tunes on the car ride to the hospital- I yelled "fuck this"- and spent the next two hours instead kicking and shouting and pushing everyone out so that I could open to my own body and labor in my own wild animal-like way. She came beautifully and naturally after a short (but seriously intense!) two hour labor. And as I saw my baby for the first time and laid her on my breast to suckle, I was filled with a gentle peace. In that moment, I saw and named that child Grace (her new middle name, chosen at that time right after her birth.).
So I suppose this may just be my wild nature, a nature I have tried too often to suppress, which sounds more like a barbaric yawp, a howling at my core... and less like a Buddhist monk, silent and serene. Or perhaps, there might be a way to experience both- to accept myself just as I am- as I have labored this past week to birth a new child, that child of my soul, dedicating myself to her protection and her expansion.
I have experienced this sense of calm all day, having made the decision to reduce my hours at work and take care of my soul. My soul has felt a sense of freedom, as if prison bars have been lifted just knowing I have a choice. I suddenly recognize with clarity the places where I had created obstacles and lost all sense of personal power. And now I see the ways in which I can break free from this experience of oppression.
How good it would be to say that this decision was made through hours of prayer, and that the voice of God spoke clearly and pointed out this new direction in a calm, clear voice.
And yet- that's not exactly what it looked like... No, this decision has come after months of fighting the angel, hours of wrestling the shadow, and days of intense crying and breaking down. And while there have been moments of peace and clarity, this process has often more resembled an agony in the garden than a mountaintop enlightenment. And yet I have realized that I have been blocking myself with will, not allowing the grace to enter. It's brought me to a point of crisis and desperation- reaching out for help and finally recognizing that I had to face this truth of my own limits- and even more than that- my own call. Perhaps I was running away like Jonah into the belly of the beast. Perhaps I was a fugitive in the woods looking for some place to hide-- anything but tell the truth of who I am and risk letting others (and myself) down with the acknowledgment that I cannot do it all.
I remember back in May how my teacher told me she saw me doing this-- that whenever she presented an option, I found some way to block it. And I remember how just this past week a conversation about honesty on rocks overlooking the Hudson brought me face to face with my own reflection and conscience. I had not even realized how much dishonesty had been harming my soul-- until I decided to speak my truth, and knew that I could not go back. And then- pushing through at last- I experienced exhilarating freedom: to be vulnerable, to be myself, to be who I was even in my brokenness.
And so this process of 'discernment' came in the form of a mighty roar. It came in the form of rage and explosion-- of woman and nature slammed against a wall, and of the wall that finally started to crumble.
This was breakdown. Yet it was also breakthrough.
Might there be an easier way to see my own truth before reaching this point of crisis? (My husband tonight joked that I was overdue for a breakdown! He's probably right... it's been a few years.) I certainly wouldn't advise such a tumultuous path...and yet I also need to remember that I am ok, that I do not need to flee if it arises, but to remain present to the crumbling...I will be ok and get through it, and it will open me, not destroy me.
As I write tonight, I recall the experience of that real intense labor I experienced seven years ago-- when I gave birth to my daughter. As I listened to the prepared labor cd- New Age gentle tunes on the car ride to the hospital- I yelled "fuck this"- and spent the next two hours instead kicking and shouting and pushing everyone out so that I could open to my own body and labor in my own wild animal-like way. She came beautifully and naturally after a short (but seriously intense!) two hour labor. And as I saw my baby for the first time and laid her on my breast to suckle, I was filled with a gentle peace. In that moment, I saw and named that child Grace (her new middle name, chosen at that time right after her birth.).
So I suppose this may just be my wild nature, a nature I have tried too often to suppress, which sounds more like a barbaric yawp, a howling at my core... and less like a Buddhist monk, silent and serene. Or perhaps, there might be a way to experience both- to accept myself just as I am- as I have labored this past week to birth a new child, that child of my soul, dedicating myself to her protection and her expansion.
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