Tonight I share a meditation with my daughter, holding my hand gently on her back, practicing presence. She has worked so hard tonight, dedicated hours to finishing a project for school, and still it is not complete. She is exhausted and frustrated- a brilliant mind overwhelmed by limiting expectations, a wild spirit fighting to be free. I am her and she is me-- though I have learned over time the difference between discipline that frees me into greater expressions of soul... and the kind that is imposed and pressed upon me unwittingly, threatening to erase me. I encounter both in my life now, and lean more fully into the first, which is spiritual discipline, that I might have the strength to face and stand up to the second, which is oppression.
As I hold my hand to my daughter's back I am aware of her long dark hair, of her heartbeat pulsing blood through her body, of her incredible patient stillness. I think of all she has said tonight-- all she has expressed- quirky and silly, or sad and lonely. She is so amazing, and I wrap my arms around her and tell her I love her. She is smiling and I know that she knows that she is unconditionally loved.
To be loved beyond measure is something I have known and experienced for myself-- even in moments as recently as this week. Without this experience, I would have nothing to give. But from love, compassion flows outward. I had a friend tell me today- "nobody has ever done anything like this for me before"- an expression of gratitude for time I had given her, something I had considered only a small extension of support. And yet, I know that when gestures of love are given to me-- even those small extensions-- I am filled with so much gratitude, and perhaps even question if I deserve it. It is this experience of receiving that makes me want to spend all my days just extending that love to others-- paying forward what kindness and care has been offered to me.
This flow of love extends even unto the difficult- to the ones who annoy or bother or create conflict. One of my favorite spiritual practices I have been doing lately is to take the name of all the people I will see or speak with or write to within a given day with me into my morning and evening prayer. I also bring the names of those who I hold in special intention. For me this prayer is simply a holding. I do not know what I might ask for each person-- but that they might be well. And if it is someone I am going to meet with in spiritual companionship then I pray that the Spirit may lead us. I also hold those who I may have experienced tension with, who may not be near to my heart, but in holding the edges begin to soften with forgiveness, and I begin to see the light that dwells within.
More and more this practice has begun to transform my life, so that there is no separation between spirituality and every day life. More and more we create safe space, and the shy soul emerges. This week alone I have received countless blessings, places where the spirit has opened-- from the unplanned conversation with a co-worker troubled by what she's seen in her work with burnt-out teachers and the human spirit "left behind"... to my daughters sharing their imaginative ideas about what God is after we've read a story from a children's bible... to the congregant I pray with on a sunday morning on the bench beside our cherry blossom tree... to the friend who shares her pain and tremendous courage on a drive to a doctor's appointment... to the heartfelt emails I receive from companions near and far...to the invitation to connect with a new person in spiritual direction. While this work may not be my livelihood, more and more each day it is my life.
I said recently about my economic woes and the violence and hatred of this world-- well this is just the water we swim in. But if that is the water, then these blessings are also here-- they are rays of sunlight gleaming on the waves, the pull of tide, the miraculous life beneath the surface.
For the rest of this week I hold my children and my husband, my co-workers, and the names of congregants I will join with on Friday night. I have been invited to lead a section of a meeting on Friday night called "The Abundance of Spirit and Joy"-- and yet, if there is to be abundance of spirit I know I will not need to lead, but only to follow, and to let it in.
As I hold my hand to my daughter's back I am aware of her long dark hair, of her heartbeat pulsing blood through her body, of her incredible patient stillness. I think of all she has said tonight-- all she has expressed- quirky and silly, or sad and lonely. She is so amazing, and I wrap my arms around her and tell her I love her. She is smiling and I know that she knows that she is unconditionally loved.
To be loved beyond measure is something I have known and experienced for myself-- even in moments as recently as this week. Without this experience, I would have nothing to give. But from love, compassion flows outward. I had a friend tell me today- "nobody has ever done anything like this for me before"- an expression of gratitude for time I had given her, something I had considered only a small extension of support. And yet, I know that when gestures of love are given to me-- even those small extensions-- I am filled with so much gratitude, and perhaps even question if I deserve it. It is this experience of receiving that makes me want to spend all my days just extending that love to others-- paying forward what kindness and care has been offered to me.
This flow of love extends even unto the difficult- to the ones who annoy or bother or create conflict. One of my favorite spiritual practices I have been doing lately is to take the name of all the people I will see or speak with or write to within a given day with me into my morning and evening prayer. I also bring the names of those who I hold in special intention. For me this prayer is simply a holding. I do not know what I might ask for each person-- but that they might be well. And if it is someone I am going to meet with in spiritual companionship then I pray that the Spirit may lead us. I also hold those who I may have experienced tension with, who may not be near to my heart, but in holding the edges begin to soften with forgiveness, and I begin to see the light that dwells within.
More and more this practice has begun to transform my life, so that there is no separation between spirituality and every day life. More and more we create safe space, and the shy soul emerges. This week alone I have received countless blessings, places where the spirit has opened-- from the unplanned conversation with a co-worker troubled by what she's seen in her work with burnt-out teachers and the human spirit "left behind"... to my daughters sharing their imaginative ideas about what God is after we've read a story from a children's bible... to the congregant I pray with on a sunday morning on the bench beside our cherry blossom tree... to the friend who shares her pain and tremendous courage on a drive to a doctor's appointment... to the heartfelt emails I receive from companions near and far...to the invitation to connect with a new person in spiritual direction. While this work may not be my livelihood, more and more each day it is my life.
I said recently about my economic woes and the violence and hatred of this world-- well this is just the water we swim in. But if that is the water, then these blessings are also here-- they are rays of sunlight gleaming on the waves, the pull of tide, the miraculous life beneath the surface.
For the rest of this week I hold my children and my husband, my co-workers, and the names of congregants I will join with on Friday night. I have been invited to lead a section of a meeting on Friday night called "The Abundance of Spirit and Joy"-- and yet, if there is to be abundance of spirit I know I will not need to lead, but only to follow, and to let it in.
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