I am here in Mystic, CT in the morning hours, with my husband still sleeping. This house was built in 1710, says the owner of this bed 'n' breakfast. I look around at the high wood beams, the creaking floors, the black stone fireplace....everything that has stood the test of time... and wonder what care has gone into preserving a home this long.
At our 10 year anniversary mark, our marriage is still fairly new. We have nothing on the couple I recently met who just celebrated their 62nd! And yet, you could say we've weathered more than a few of our own storms- five homes, two children, the death of loved ones (including a parent), job losses, financial struggles...to name a few. To be clear, we barely weathered it... the beams of this house so often nearing collapse- anger and yelling, pain and tears, loneliness and isolation, threats of separation and divorce.
Two years ago we did not even wish one another a "Happy Anniversary". We were not happy. I was at a moment of deciding if I would even continue to fight for what I was not even sure was worth sustaining. I could not imagine how our fighting was creating any sense of home for our children, and even wondered if we would all be better off without it. I did not know if our marriage was worth saving.
But we decided to try, though we could not see the road ahead. It began with marriage counseling, but the bulk of our work and healing came from within each of us, gradually over time. Through meditation and prayer, I learned to embrace the broken parts of myself -and to stay in the difficult fray rather than looking for ways to escape. Through nonviolent communication learning and practice, my husband was able to build a deeper awareness of his own emotions and to express those in more loving and respectful ways.
Walking down the aisle 10 years ago, I feel like I was entranced by magic. I naively thought I was entering a fairytale castle that would withstand the test of time to stay intact by the sheer force of its magic.... But I learned that a marriage is more like this old house we are staying in. Pieces of it will crumble. Parts of it will fall apart, and need to be rebuilt in new ways. Rooms may need to be expanded...or removed. We are the caretakers of this house, and have a responsibility to preserve it with gentle restoration. As we grow, it may look different from what we started with-- though the beauty of its antique framework will continue to stand and shine through time.
I also learned that the house of marriage serves a community far beyond itself, as love expands its welcome to offer hospitality and comfort to others. Our marriage is not only for ourselves, but for our children and our community at large. We restore and preserve this house to make this world a better place. Our community and friends supported us through the hard times and helped us to grow; without I do not know if we would have survived.
Now as I wake this morning, I think of the great gift of this marriage-- and I am filled with gratitude, happiness, and love for my husband. But the positive feelings are not always there... we do not always see eye to eye, and our egos clash. At those times, we still have the gift of our commitment. Commitment is not about feeling wonderful, but about continuing to love regardless...because love is a higher call. It is a spiritual practice, really-- for just as meditators must continue to meditate even when we do not reach that point of stillness and bliss-- marriage partners must also continue to love and practice care even when we do not like one another very much.
Healing this marriage together, nurturing respect in our family and creating a place of safety and security for our children has been an integral path of my spiritual growth. I have become especially aware of this the past few months. And as my spiritual director recently said of my husband and I, reflecting back to me the marriage story I have shared...you are on this journey together.
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