Learning to Trust

I have been struggling with trust a lot lately, and the question- Who can I trust?- resounds.  My spiritual director cast the light back onto me- But do you trust yourself?

It was an interesting way to cast the light, and when cast that way, the shadows appeared.  I noticed the way I have been holding some individuals in judgment because I have felt let down or hurt by their actions. I've become distracted away from self-examination and cast my gaze outwardly. And in doing so, I've lost sight of that inner knowing that guides me.

Trusting myself means listening to the voice of conscience- the voice that says I must do something difficult because it is the ethical thing to do.  Because I cannot be a channel of light if I am impeded by lies- lies I tell to myself or to others about who I am.

Do I trust myself?  Today I made a difficult decision to open up about some of my shortcomings in a clear and honest way.  This was very hard for me to do.  I so wanted to reach a goal that I could simply not attain.  But there are no shortcuts, and speaking from the heart, I saw the ways in which I had missed the mark.

I give credit to much of my spiritual and ethical growth to my faith community as I am encouraged and challenged there to become my best self.  The idea that Unitarian Universalism is an 'anything goes' religion is misleading, I think. There is a perception that the UU path might be an easy one- with principles instead of commandments, covenants instead of creeds, sources instead of one sacred text.  The choices seem so endless that it might appear that a person could pick and choose his/her own morality without accountability.  In our Unitarian Universalist faith there is no ritual for confession, no season of atonement....nor is there a set of spiritual disciplines or a particular contemplative practice that one might follow as a clear straight pathway to God (however a person might choose to define- or not define- that concept).

And yet- I believe- the view that 'anything goes' is misconception. As a religion, the faith path I have chosen provides a clear and real way forward from contemplation to action, from mysticism to prophecy, from spirituality to justice. While there is a rich history to call upon, a great deal of the way- or ways- is yet to be defined, and lies in the hands of our spiritual leaders and communities to pave. Commitment in community is the ingredient that moves us from spirituality to religion. If we get stuck in the highs of our individual spiritual experiences and are unwilling to let go, we have encountered an ego trap.  It is in letting go of our attachment to that joyous encounter and learning to become it in the center of a world that is constantly shaking with injustice, rupturing with chaos, and overrunning with brokenness that we help create the goodness we seek.

This is also the path that helps us to lead moral lives. What is morality but authenticity, a mirror into wholeness? And if we might look at sin that way also- not as some breaking of human-made laws, but as a transgression against our own deepest conscience and inner knowing- than a ritual of confession in community might bring us closer to wholeness.

Knowing that I can express my shortcomings and still be held and loved and encouraged to a better way allows me to trust others. Trusting myself means listening deeply to the voice of conscience and honoring that in me which is most good- that which yearns for truth and acts from a place of deeper honesty, humility, kindness, and truth.  Then and only then can I be a vessel for light.

These are thoughts I have come to as I walk this path.  It isn't exactly the path I thought I would be walking.  But all paths have their turns....and sometimes- as I discovered quite literally recently on a 'contemplative walk'- their forest fires!  Perhaps the fire is a signal that it is time to get back onto the road, a wake-up call to walk in the world, not out of it, but to carry that inner knowing and clearness as I live from the place of good within me.

So I am learning to trust myself by learning to live with greater authenticity...and I am accountable to a community and living tradition that encourages me into being my best and fullest self as an integral piece in the collective work toward restoring the wholeness of our world.