Have I finally passed through, to the other side? I decided on the way to work to give it a try. To try what it would be like to walk through the anxiety, and to give my life to a path-- not out of ego or pride, but out of a calm and abiding 'yes' to love.
I drove to work in this knowledge that I would need to continue through work I did not want to do, because it was not important whether I liked this work or not, but whether I could walk through it with love. If I could do the drudgery of the every day tasks with steady love, then perhaps I could face much harder tasks than this which I would surely encounter, for much greater cost, for much greater price.
I walked to the riverside with this wisdom, and the words "make me an instrument of your peace" were on my lips. Only this time it was those first two words "make me..." which repeated like a mantra, when I knew really it was out of my hands. There was nothing more I could do to resist the fullness of my soul.
A few weeks ago I had faced inner resistance and tears. Deep within a voice was crying out- "Stop!". It was pleading with all those around me who were encouraging me: "slow down!" And there were also voices shouting out for approval- "love me more, please!", "Am I good enough yet?", those voices of selfish pride and self doubt so loud I could barely hear the deeper, truer voice within. And yet none of those voices held that deep wisdom I was seeking. None of those voices were me.
The phone calls of encouragement, the blank stare, the judging within... those were not the voices of truth. And finally when all the voices around me quieted, only then could I hear my own inner wisdom, the still small voice within.
It was when I said 'no' to the path as I thought it had to be, and 'yes' to what felt truer to me that I came back around to seeing myself differently. To seeing myself as I truly am.
And maybe seeing is believing.
Seeing is believing what you you hold most essential...and what you are willing to stand for- and live for- too.
In light of this realization, what was today like? Absolutely ordinary. Moving past the anxiety was far from heroic, but I focused on the work at hand at a good and steady and focused pace. This was administrative work, planning an event that is unlikely to succeed, but letting go of the outcome. Doing the best I can, and knowing my limits, knowing what is out of my hands. Knowing I am just a small peg in a larger picture, and I am not to blame. And what is really at stake, but pride?
As it turns out, such steadiness of heart and clearness of head, opened doors. I received a request for spiritual direction from someone on a journey of her own. The recognition that I have now been through my own worst self at work made me understand that I might possibly be able to offer something to the soul of this place as well.
I told my husband tonight that I would like to apply to divinity school in the spring. I laughed and said, it doesn't mean that I will be going to school in the fall, only that I will apply. For many reasons, it is impractical, but I can certainly put my heart forward in the direction that it is pulling me. What this journey has shown is that I can make seemingly foolish steps forward from a deeper sense of who I am, to offer the world more fully of myself. It has shown me that I am able to step into call and step out on faith, and to simply see what doors might open...or perhaps which ones will close.
This decision to move forward on this path comes on the heels of the decision just a few weeks ago to reduce my hours at work, which comes on the heels of a decision a few weeks before that to focus my energies more fully on spiritual direction. Each of these decisions has been born of a wild and almost-torturous discernment process (really, I've argued with the burning bush, wrestled the angel, and hid out in the whale's belly until I just can't stand fighting or running any longer...eventually you just lay down your weapons, forget about failing, forget about pride, and surrender to love and joy).
But what comes now is simply acceptance. Calm. What has come after each decision has finally been reached is a calm and radiant being and belonging. A quieting of the storm. A steady and courageous walking through whatever challenges are before me. An abiding trust in the ability to proceed. And a love for the people and creation of this world beyond measure.
I drove to work in this knowledge that I would need to continue through work I did not want to do, because it was not important whether I liked this work or not, but whether I could walk through it with love. If I could do the drudgery of the every day tasks with steady love, then perhaps I could face much harder tasks than this which I would surely encounter, for much greater cost, for much greater price.
I walked to the riverside with this wisdom, and the words "make me an instrument of your peace" were on my lips. Only this time it was those first two words "make me..." which repeated like a mantra, when I knew really it was out of my hands. There was nothing more I could do to resist the fullness of my soul.
A few weeks ago I had faced inner resistance and tears. Deep within a voice was crying out- "Stop!". It was pleading with all those around me who were encouraging me: "slow down!" And there were also voices shouting out for approval- "love me more, please!", "Am I good enough yet?", those voices of selfish pride and self doubt so loud I could barely hear the deeper, truer voice within. And yet none of those voices held that deep wisdom I was seeking. None of those voices were me.
The phone calls of encouragement, the blank stare, the judging within... those were not the voices of truth. And finally when all the voices around me quieted, only then could I hear my own inner wisdom, the still small voice within.
It was when I said 'no' to the path as I thought it had to be, and 'yes' to what felt truer to me that I came back around to seeing myself differently. To seeing myself as I truly am.
And maybe seeing is believing.
Seeing is believing what you you hold most essential...and what you are willing to stand for- and live for- too.
In light of this realization, what was today like? Absolutely ordinary. Moving past the anxiety was far from heroic, but I focused on the work at hand at a good and steady and focused pace. This was administrative work, planning an event that is unlikely to succeed, but letting go of the outcome. Doing the best I can, and knowing my limits, knowing what is out of my hands. Knowing I am just a small peg in a larger picture, and I am not to blame. And what is really at stake, but pride?
As it turns out, such steadiness of heart and clearness of head, opened doors. I received a request for spiritual direction from someone on a journey of her own. The recognition that I have now been through my own worst self at work made me understand that I might possibly be able to offer something to the soul of this place as well.
I told my husband tonight that I would like to apply to divinity school in the spring. I laughed and said, it doesn't mean that I will be going to school in the fall, only that I will apply. For many reasons, it is impractical, but I can certainly put my heart forward in the direction that it is pulling me. What this journey has shown is that I can make seemingly foolish steps forward from a deeper sense of who I am, to offer the world more fully of myself. It has shown me that I am able to step into call and step out on faith, and to simply see what doors might open...or perhaps which ones will close.
This decision to move forward on this path comes on the heels of the decision just a few weeks ago to reduce my hours at work, which comes on the heels of a decision a few weeks before that to focus my energies more fully on spiritual direction. Each of these decisions has been born of a wild and almost-torturous discernment process (really, I've argued with the burning bush, wrestled the angel, and hid out in the whale's belly until I just can't stand fighting or running any longer...eventually you just lay down your weapons, forget about failing, forget about pride, and surrender to love and joy).
But what comes now is simply acceptance. Calm. What has come after each decision has finally been reached is a calm and radiant being and belonging. A quieting of the storm. A steady and courageous walking through whatever challenges are before me. An abiding trust in the ability to proceed. And a love for the people and creation of this world beyond measure.
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