On Happiness... and Affirming Life

This is my second post in one evening... but I feel compelled to write again, to reflect upon what has emerged for me lately.

It may seem ironic that while the last post focused on demons and darkness, the theme of this one is happiness.  And yet in the midst of all that pain I was just writing about, I have had these days and moments of peace and bliss- not manic highs that crash into dark lows the next day, but rather a real sense of interconnection and balance that have assured me I am exactly where I need to be in the moment.  I have also recognized the role my own choices have made in creating this happiness, as it occurred to me while struggling with feelings of dullness (a subdued ho-hum kind of depression?) that I do have the choice to be happy. That is, I might be able to generate more happiness by choosing actions that generate well-being. For me that means nature walks and long talks, quality time with my kids, shared rituals and spiritual practices, and healthy habits. It also means living from a place of authenticity, and leaning more deeply into those things which affirm life, and away from that which denies it.

One of those moments occurred last Wednesday, May Day, when I decided to take a personal day from work to go on a field trip- a river hike- with my daughter and her class.  At the end of our hike, we stood on the boardwalk and watched a great blue heron perched still on the river bank for moments gazing outward into the water. Our eyes followed the great wings spanning into the air, the gentle flap, and then the glide. It was my daughter, Elisa, along with others in her first grade class, who'd spotted the creature on our river walk, and it was these children who stood in awe-filled imitation of the heron- still and quiet- a pause in their play, a rest in their hyper childhood chatter.  And I too- in their glow- felt happy and alive.

I experienced this same happiness this past Sunday when I skipped the congregational meeting and took a trip with my girls to the Zen Mountain Monastery instead.  My children and I participated together in a Zen Kids program. Together we sang and laughed and washed windows (!) and meditated and bowed and ate mindfully and created art and poetry.  We were surrounded by happy people who cared for us, and who shared their affection and practices of Zen living with the attending families.  As we left, my 8-year old daughter announced that she wanted to live there!  My daughter has been struggling with anxiety, but in that place she felt at home. And I- in her glow- felt happy and alive.

It was the kind of happy that wanted to make more happiness, though the call was not to stay and live there, but to take pieces of that experience back with me into the world. I know that every day life has its problems, but living with peaceful mindful discipline and attention create a way of being that opens the heart in equanimity, joy, and compassion. The challenge is to live in the tension between those problems and that way of inner calm.

In reflecting upon these experiences, I have also been stirring with a sense of emptiness and humility, of offering my life fully for something greater. And what is the meaning of that?  So often my ego gets caught in the middle.  That is not it.  No, there is something else- without rank, without measure, without title.  Something I have come to call: serving life. 

If I am offering myself in service to Life, then this is true humility. It is not self-deprecating, if there is a greater justice and a greater love that I pledge myself to.  The primary question I have been asking then is this:  IS this choice life-affirming?  Can I remain in the tension of brokenness- where there are elements around me that are harmful- and still affirm life through my choices?  Or am I denying my own authenticity- and in fact harming myself- to be in relationship with a particular person, place, or organization?

In many ways it is a dance- into those places I am supported, held, loved, and renewed-- and back again into those places where I must be the light and change through my own ethical and life-affirming choices. There are times when a situation itself- a job or an organization, for example- is not life-affirming, but perhaps our role within it might be.  Perhaps it is my place to offer love and light where it is so much needed.  Then, still, I am affirming life because I am finding it in small pieces, and magnifying it in darkness.  

One example of this comes from my own past experiences. When I was a young teacher I stuck my neck out for things I believed in-- and got it chopped off practically by a heartless administration that placed policies over people. I spoke for justice and reported the actions of a principal with a harsh temper, who was creating a culture of distrust and fear among teachers and students. And I lost my job (of course other reasons were given, and of course, in time the layoffs produced a stir, the truth was illuminated and the principal was removed). And yet, in spite of the personal pain, I always felt that I made the right choice to speak.

Perhaps over time I have lost some of that courage, as I think that early experience has made me fearful to be authentic and brave in certain contexts, and I've chosen safety over life in some cases, keeping hidden my own true heart and voice.  This is rising up in me now, that to be authentic, I may have to take those risks again....pledging allegiance not to personal security but to life in all its fullness, to that which opens my soul and heart.  

Authenticity, ethical choice, making decisions that bless the world and move me fuller into aliveness. These are the tools on the path to happiness- not always the easy path, and not a path of immediate bliss.  Rather it is that sustained equanimity that even my children can recognize in moments of pure presence and mindful attention, as they learn to take only what they can eat in their bowls (the practice of oryoki), so as not to waste... and sweep the floors of a monastery office, remembering to gently care for the small things in their midst. Moments when we are blessing life, choice by choice, word by word, moment by moment. Moments when we are learning more fully how to live in this world.