Resting and Wrestling with God.

In recent months I have shared a few pivotal night dreams--dreams that seemed to signify an important snapshot of my spiritual journey at the time.  Recently I had another one of those...  This time I was walking through a dark and dreary place-- a nightmarish dungeon with scenes akin to those of Dante's inferno.  It seemed to be a prison of sorts, with unbelievable horrors.

I have been to scary places in my dreams before, and felt compelled to turn away.  This time, though, while I was afraid, I did not turn away.   I walked, this time not alone, but accompanied by a friend who had been there before.  He did not say a lot to me, but his presence encouraged me.  I was not afraid because I was not alone, and because I had an inner knowing that I would be ok. 

The dream moves me to live inside of courage.  Living inside of courage means not resisting the darkness; it means facing my fear, and getting to know it.  Holding it, loving it, nurturing it, and knowing it as a separate innocent entity-- not the claiming force of my life.  There is still so much I am afraid of-- silly things, many of them- such as snakes and cliff edges and rejection and betrayal and looking like a fool.  And important things such as passing up the moment to live from the deepest places of my soul-- in other words living the one life I have been given as the person I truly am.  The world is a scary place where the horrors of a dream have too much room to roam. 

But it was also most recently that I opened pages in a book by Henri Nouwen to read these words:  God's light is more real than all the darkness,...God's truth is more powerful than all human lies... God's love is stronger than death. 

This knowledge that I am secure in Presence emboldens me.  I am encouraged, and I am standing on holy ground.  This trust in God's love is not only the hand that helps us through those difficult times;  it is also the very thing that can open us more fully to being alive.  

I read these words this morning from Nancy Shaffer:

I begin to understand calling more fully.

It has little to do with ministry itself;
everything to do with the Sacred.
It is not about serving a particular denomination
or even congregation
but being in the world who
I was created to be—
like standing on the stage of the universe
and saying Yes to God alone and not
a particular mountain range or river.

After that, what possibly can go wrong?

That saying Yes to God alone IS being who I was created to be.  That is exactly the revelation I have received in my dream and in the Nouwen words...that the Sacred, the one I walk with, the Presence that I am filled with is for us... and if God- or Presence- or Holy Light- is for us, who or what can be against?  

Still, the courage falters and in every day life I meet obstacles and assault from every side.  Usually this manifests in too much busyness and stress. In the midst of not finding time for God, I get angry at God!  Why have you given me this longing- this call- and then placed every possible obstacle in my way?  Are you simply dangling beautiful things before me, and teasing me with dreams, while mediocrity threatens every step?  What is the point of this?  Where do I go from here? Can't you PLEASE just show me! 

I scream and draw my fists- not even realizing that I am my own worst enemy, my own obstacle. It's really quite a game, this wrestling with the angel of the soul.  

Now, I am going to continue to wrestle and to rest in the Being and Presence of the Divine for awhile. Where this leads, I am not certain, but in the uncharted territory- perhaps there lies the point of transformation..